It's always a good idea to blame women

Dear Joe,

Were you aware that your site was hacked by a wannabe scribe from Maxim Magazine? I'm guessing his article proposal "Send America Hot Finnish Babes To Improve Its Breeding Stock And Teach The Fat Chicks Here A Lesson In Thrift And Levelheadedness" was rejected on the grounds that it was directly cribbed from Greg Gutfeld's satirical masterpiece "Send America the Swedish Bikini Team to Improve Its Breeding Stock and Teach The Fat Chicks Here A Lesson In Thrift and Levelheadedness". Perhaps the disgruntled plagiarizer in question has resorted to guerrilla tactics like hacking "progressive" sites like yours in a desperate attempt to be published by any means necessary. This scenario is the likeliest explanation as to how "Send America Hot Finnish Babes To Improve Its Breeding Stock And Teach The Fat Chicks Here A Lesson In Thrift and Levelheadedness" appeared on your site, 'coz I can't imagine any self-described "leftist" dude coming up with this crap on his own (insert howling laugh track here).

Then again, it's always a good idea to blame women, (particularly the fat, 'unbreederworthy', shopping obsessed shrews that suck up valuable oxygen and force the buff hordes of hot American men to squander precious eyeball fluids when they are forced to look at these unfuckworthy fatties as they waddle into direct view) for the sordid state of the US, indeed, even the world. To all those who might say that "Gee, the person in the highest level of government who approved torture, not to mention, the gun-toting mercenaries who burst into my house and spirited away my bedridden great-grandfather to a US detention facility for interrogation looked suspiciously un-female", you can say, "That's true, Darlin', but if it weren't for all those bitter, oxygen-squandering, mall-trawling, egg-deficient, old bitches at home, our boys wouldn't be overseas, decimating entire nations, or even gunning down their classmates closer to home. And why force Bush and Co. into the docket of an International War Crimes Tribunal when justice can be better served by jailing an uppity heiress for a DUI offense? Better yet, let's expand The War on Terror so that we can liberate the Finns from their own uppity, hot female population. In exchange, we can build a tunnel that stretches from Tijuana to Helsinki, so that Santa's unprofitable sweatshops can be staffed by all our unwanted Mexican workers". That's what you can tell those hairy-legged, humor-deficient old broads who accidentally hit upon your site while shopping online for ever-bigger mumus and Krispy-Kreme brand diet supplements.

Well, Joe, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to go fritter away more of my husband's hard-earned income, and grow my leg hair.

Yours in (tough) love and solidarity, : )

Jen

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Dear Jen,

Wo ho ho!

I had to read your email twice, then go google Maxim and Greg Gutfeld, neither of which I'd ever heard of, before I could even answer. (Lawdee, this new generation of pop culture Internet babies is sho nuff a caution!) All I can say is that it's to be expected occasionally from an old redneck who, as they say in mustang country, "is wild and wooly and full of fleas and never been curried below the knees." I promise never to answer my email again while drunk. Yeah, sure, and the bullfrog won't bump his ass next time he hops.

Gosh I miss the times when a guy could go to the middleweight fights with a blonde on one arm, a pack of smokes and a pint in his hip pocket. What Bukowski called "the days of booze and gash."

But soon I'll be back in my Black Carib village in Belize, where what we call the "Mommy Mau Mau," the village matrons, sit under the breadfruit tree, play cards and talk about men in language that would make a Comanche blush (OK, so now I've pissed off the Comanches.) Anyway, they make Buk look like a sissy. I'm here to tell you, sister, what they say about white men scorched the ears of this Christian child. Deed it do!

Anyhoo. Now I'm back for a while, I gotta Google "politically correct" for a refresher course.

Thanks for the tough love. Do you do male hair bondage? At my age I take any kind I can get.

Joe