Joe Bageant

Finding Jesus at the Cracker Barrel

Sunday in a Red State

"If Jesus reappeared on earth tomorrow it would probably be at Daytona or a Cracker Barrel Restaurant."
-- Punk Wilson, local wiseass

By Joe Bageant

Indeed, Cracker Barrel has to be the most appropriately named restaurant chain in America. The last time I entered one with an out-of-town black friend, nearly all heads turned in unison toward us. My friend took one look at the wall-to-wall porky white faces and said, "Get me back to the fucking car. I can grab a happy meal on the way out of Deliverance."

A Republic of Pickle Vendors

The devil does not live in the American heartland, he just shits here

By Joe Bageant

When my old friend Dickie Holme told me that the black maid, Vernie, who had raised him while his family was busy stealing half the county, still cooked Xmas dinner at his house every year, I nearly spit vodka tonic onto the front of his Yonex badminton shirt. "Jezits Christ Dickie, she's 80 years old and has a family of her own to celebrate Christmas with. Slavery has been over in Virginia for 20 years now. Didn't you get the memo?"

Working class has become an impolite term

Joe,

Damned good article man. Damned good. I sent it to my sister in Texas, another over bright, well read, uneducated leftneck. Verily, the people you write about might as well be Republican Martians, as far as the liberal left is concerned.

Joe invited for a drink at the Elks

Joe:

Dam man, if you ever get out this way meet me at the Elks and I'll buy. I printed out your piece and passed it out to friends at work and at the Elks.

Al Hill
Fair Oaks, California

It Ain't Easy Being White

Down at Burt's Tavern

"As nightfall does not come all at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains seemingly unchanged."
-- Justice William O. Douglas, Supreme Court justice

"Would the sonovabitch who super-glued my hair to the bar when I passed out please come take your goddamned beating like a man!'
-- Pooty Jenkins, welder

By Joe Bageant

"Pooty don't you ever wash them booger hooks of yours?" That's Carol the bartender watching Poot pick up his Royal Burger with two blackened hairy paws that look like they just finished welding a greasy transmission housing back together -- which is exactly what they did. "Carol Darlin," Poot replies, "FUCK YOU."